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One thing I know for sure, though, is that when you are hungry, it is an act of wisdom each time you turn down a spoonful if you know that the food is poisoned.
— from Operating Instructions, by Anne LaMott

So, um, I think I might be in love. It’s been a very long time since I’ve thought that about anyone, so I’m not positive, but here are the symptoms:

I’ve known him since September – we work in the same place, and he is by far my best friend at work, and he’s one of my favorite people generally. I think about him all the time, and when he’s not at work and I don’t get to talk to him, I miss him. When we spend time together, I feel very happy – he’s so smart and he makes me laugh constantly. I feel like the best version of myself when I’m with him.  When something happens – good or bad, important or trivial – he’s the first person I want to tell. He’s probably going to get a new job soon, and Saturday when I thought about him leaving this job and us not talking every day anymore, I cried.

So you tell me – is that love? I’ve been feeling this way for months now, and I assumed it was just a crush, and I hoped it would go away, but it hasn’t, and Saturday, on a long drive with tons of time to think, it all of a sudden hit me that I might love him.

And the thing is, whatever it is, it sucks. It’s not a good thing. It’s complicated, and messy, and perhaps not reciprocated – and even if it is, we can’t do anything about it because my timing could not be worse – and I don’t really understand it in the first place, and I really shouldn’t even be thinking about him like that. But I am. And it’s killing me.

And I know myself: I won’t suffer long in silence. Sooner or later, I’m going to feel compelled to tell him, or ask him if he has any feelings for me, and whether he does or not, if he is the person I know him to be, he’s going to have to say no, and then everything will be all fucked up and I could lose the only real friend I have here.  And that I could not handle.

So here’s what I need from you guys: surefire ways to get over someone you know you can’t be with, whatever  the reason.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
“Pooh!” he whispered.
“Yes, Piglet?”
“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. “I just wanted to be sure of you.”
— A.A. Milne

I got wonderful news yesterday: Aimee and Tim and baby Ben are moving back to Virginia! In 10 days! I’ve known for about two weeks or so that it was a possibility, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up; hearing confirmation yesterday brought tears to my eyes and my heart feels so light. I can’t even explain the feeling, really, but it’s a lot like relief, or like I can breathe again. If I hadn’t already used this quote in the post-Houston series, it would be the one I would have chosen for this post:

A vision in white appeared . . . . Above it all was Angela’s face, beaming. Mattie felt as if the medics had arrived. . . . The women lay on their sides facing each other and talked all night, like homesick beings from another planet who had been living among earthlings far too long.
– from Blue Shoe, by Anne LaMott

I’m not glad that things didn’t work out for them in Texas, because I know they wanted them to, but selfishly I’m so happy to have her so close to me again after essentially four years (three while I was away in law school, and the 8 months they’ve been in Texas) of being too far. I’ve missed her so much, and the prospect of only seeing Ben grow up in pictures made me very sad. We’ve already got plans for the second weekend in June, and I can’t wait to see this face in person again:

Celebrate, we will
‘Cause life is short
but sweet for certain
— Dave Matthews Band, Two Step

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

76. watching football games and drinking beer at Champp’s with Nate

77. Becky’s perfect afternoon wedding on a gorgeous summer day

78. walking into Notre Dame in Paris and literally having my breath taken away by its beauty

79. walking though Ft. Detrick with my grandmother when I was 5 and seeing the giant satellite dishes, asking her what they were, having her tell me that they were “dinosaur dishes” and completely believing her

80. “I heard Billy Joel and I smelled eggs, so I thought I’d come see what was going on”

81. the kissing contest between me, Becky, and Lisa in Salamanca – Lisa won

82. when Brian McCann smiled right at me – after I took this picture

83. waking up from a nap on the couch because Pico was peering up at me, tapping my forehead with his soft paw

84. Thanksgivings at my grandparents, listening to stories about when my grandfather was a little boy

85. Opening Day at Nationals Park, even though the Braves lost

86. spoonfeeding Aimee some of my strawberry milkshake because her hands were occupied feeding Ben

87. every night ever spent at Camelot, a dance club in Salamanca

88. telling my little cousin Sophia, at 3, to stop growing up so fast and hearing her say, “No, I have to get bigger so I can reach the cereal.”

89. riding the Drop Tower at Kings Dominion for the last possible time (for me) with Nate the day before my cochlear implant surgery

90. telling the Princess that it must be “so hard to be 3,” and having her respond by putting her little hand on her hip and saying, “Actually, I’m 4.” (she’s not)

91. the fearlessness of the Conductor in everything he does

92. JB and JH visiting me in the hospital after my surgery, bringing me a bag filled with crazy stuff from the Dollar Store and one of those giant cards, on the envelope of which they’d told the illustrated story of their journey from NY to VA to be with me

93. the Sister Hazel concert with Aimee at Innsbrook, still my favorite picture of us together

94. racing golf carts in the summers with my brother and our cousins

95. watching Aladdin with J and cracking up as he recited, word-for-word, the Genie’s first big scene

96. finding out I was going to be an aunt, both times

97. this day – nothing special, but a bunch of little things conspired to make me happy

98. dinner in Monaco

99. the day I scored a whopping 8 points for my JV basketball team and as I ran down the court heard the opposing coach shout to his team, “Watch out for #13!”

100. my first Komen race in Boston (ok, this is cheating, because it hasn’t happened yet, but I know it’s going to rank right up there)

Did you enjoy this? If so, here are some others you might like to read:

Nate

Lydia

Lyrically Me

Julie

And I want you to remember
All wild deeds live on
All good times, all good friends
— Jackson Brown, All Good Things

Part 1

Part 2

51. post-high school graduation antics in the Taco Bell parking lot: walking through the drive through, driving through the drive through backwards (“Sir, you’re going to have turn the car around.” Jeff: “My car only goes in reverse, Ma’am.”), dancing to the car radio

52. driving down Route 1 late at night with nowhere in particular in mind and ending up in P’s driveway

53. the post-wing night peeing in the woods at the edge of the parking lot at school (because we really had to pee and the dorm was too far away), followed by someone pulling into the parking spot directly in front of us, spotting us and turning on their brights, and us dying laughing, too drunk to be mortified

54. JB and JH singing the All in the Family theme song (in character) on the CB radio, driving down the Garden State Parkway

55. the hour and a half at the end of the work day two days ago that I spent shooting the breeze with my favorite work person instead of working – laughing, joking, flirting

56. the absolute flood of tenderness that washed over me when I was watching Transamerica with my mom, during the scene where Felicity Huffman’s character got tangled in the hose of the gas pump, and my mom chuckled and shook her head and said, “That happens to me all the time.”

57. riding on the back of the four-wheeler with my arms wrapped around Nick – I’m 14, he’s 17, I’ve just met him, I’m wearing his purple sweatshirt – driving across the bridge across the creek at Uncle Joe’s and through the woods on the other side; we come out of the dark of the woods into a meadow, and the sun is shining and the sky is clear, and it’s as close to a movie moment as I think I’ve ever had in my life. (He only lives to be 23, which makes this memory all the more poignant.)

58. August 31, 1993

59. finding out my professors had chosen me for a special scholarship at law school graduation

60. the way I could stand on one side of the living room from Sierra, open my arms wide, call her name, and have her come bounding across the room and leap into my arms

61. the party at Aimee’s in high school that included sleeping outside on the trampoline and a trip to the Omlette Shop at 4 in the morning in a speeding convertible driven with the top down by a handsome, blue-eyed boy

62. all of us calling in to work the next day, too hungover to do anything but hit Pizza Hut and then the movies

63. at my parents’ house the Christmas before I lose my hearing, my dad calls me downstairs and plays me a recording of him singing and playing All Along the Watchtower

64. wearing Nate’s jersey number for Powder Puff football in high school

65. taking Karen on her first-ever subway ride – and she survived!

66. knowing dinner at Nate’s house is over when the Princess says, “Mel-mel, would you like to come see my special dance?”

67. the Conductor all decked out in the Princess’s dress up clothes – shoes, rings, tiara, and Cinderella dress

68. finding and adopting Hero and Chaplin when they were just tiny kittens and raising them on formula til they were big enough to fend for themselves

69. catching Grandpa’s eye across the room and getting an impish wink

70. coming downstairs on Christmas morning at age 4, when I lived with my grandmother, seeing a purple tricycle under the tree and asking, “Is it for me?” as if there might be another 4-year-old in the house who’d wanted a purple tricycle

71. laughing through my tears at the end of Bill’s memorial service when Friends in Low Places began to play

72. dinner at Fager’s Island in Ocean City with my grandparents in the summer when they play the 1812 Overture as the sun goes down

73. fresh mojitos at Havana Central in Times Square with Aimee

74. driving to the golf course with Grandma early on summer mornings, passing the time by singing: Mairzy Doats, I’ve Been Working on the Railroad, Do Your Ears Hang Low, Skinnamarink, You Are My Sunshine

75. strolling the Sunday market in Old Nice

Those of you who have done this, I’ve enjoyed reading yours so much. If you’re not planning to do your own, or you’re not a blogger, will you share some of your moments in the comments?

Part 4

Soon it got dusk, a grapy dusk, a purple dusk over tangerine groves and long melon fields; the sun the color of pressed grapes, slashed with burgundy red, the fields the color of love and Spanish mysteries.
— from On the Road, by Jack Kerouac

Tonight, the train arrived at my home Metro station at kind of an odd time because of delays due to track work. I’ve given up on taking the evening shuttle from the station to my apartment complex because it’s wildly inconsistent, and the bus wasn’t due to arrive for about 20 minutes. It’s about three miles or so from the station to my apartment, maybe a little more, and it was a nice evening – cool, but not cold, and breezy, a little possibility of showers. Today was kind of a casual day at work since my boss was out, so I had on sneaker-ish shoes and not fancy clothes, and I had an umbrella in my bag. It seemed everything was conspiring to allow me to walk home, which I’ve never done before. It seems like kind of a long way, and there are a fair amount of hills, and usually I just want to get home.

But it’s Friday, and I had no plans for the evening, and I needed to work out anyway, and I knew, since I haven’t worked out in more than a week (because I haven’t been well, though I’ve felt much better yesterday and today), that the chances were high I’d back out of going to the gym when I got home, so I thought, “Just do it. It’s an hour, and then your exercise is done. If you get tired, just stop and wait for the bus.”

So I did, and I feel really pleased. I reminded myself along the way to pay attention to the world around me, and here are some of the things I saw (forgive the quality – these are from my phone):

Paw prints!

I love that some urban planner took the time to not only plant a “wildflower meadow” but to also post signs so that people walking by don’t just think it’s a bunch of weeds.

This football, laying in the street next to the curb, made me a little sad. I wondered about the person who lost it, and hoped it wasn’t a kid.

Then I walked by the used bookstore that I drive by all the time and mean to go in but never do. I saw they were open, so I thought, “Why not?” I love used book stores and this one was quintessential – books everywhere, on shelves, piled all over the floor, piled in front of the cash register and on the counter. I explored a little, but once I set foot in a bookstore, I can never remember, beyond a few favorite authors, any books I’ve been meaning to read. I was on my way out the door empty handed after browsing for 15 minutes or so when I thought to look for any of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s work. I started in the fiction section with no luck, but that’s because, apparently, when you’ve been dead for a long time, they move you to “Literature.” I picked up a book of his short stories for $3. Score!

I continued on my walk (and don’t think I ambled, either – I was in it for exercise, not just entertainment), and saw a few other things:

This flower was on the ground, but all of the plants surrounding it were all green – there wasn’t a flowering bush in the bunch, so I thought about how it might have ended up there.

All of a sudden, the breeze picked up and brought with it what has got to be one of the best smells in the world:

Honeysuckle. That’s how you know it’s spring.

Finally, this:

My first wishing dandelion of the season. And no, I can’t tell you what I wished for before I blew the seeds away.

Then my phone told me my camera memory was full, so here’s what I saw that I can’t show you:

• the unchained Rottweiler who scared the crap out of me when he silently ran up to the fence of his yard and stood on his hind legs on the fence (which was your standard chain link, and I bet he could have hopped it if he’d wanted to) when I walked past while paying attention to my phone and not my surroundings
• gorgeous roses and crocuses and hydrangeas and other flowers I don’t know the names of, in the yards of far better gardeners than I
• the kids in the skate park, showing off for the girls hanging around the perimeter
• the guy walking ahead of me, who I eventually passed, who was so engrossed in the book he was reading that he walked into intersections without looking to see if cars were coming
• two motorcycle cops, blocks apart, directing traffic for no discernible reason

The next thing I knew, I was near home, and I decided to take the really big hill that I usually walk down, and saw how everyone’s yards are changing and blooming.

What a good day. And to think I’d have missed all of that if I’d decided to wait for the bus.