This Year’s Love

One thing I know for sure, though, is that when you are hungry, it is an act of wisdom each time you turn down a spoonful if you know that the food is poisoned.
— from Operating Instructions, by Anne LaMott

So, um, I think I might be in love. It’s been a very long time since I’ve thought that about anyone, so I’m not positive, but here are the symptoms:

I’ve known him since September – we work in the same place, and he is by far my best friend at work, and he’s one of my favorite people generally. I think about him all the time, and when he’s not at work and I don’t get to talk to him, I miss him. When we spend time together, I feel very happy – he’s so smart and he makes me laugh constantly. I feel like the best version of myself when I’m with him.  When something happens – good or bad, important or trivial – he’s the first person I want to tell. He’s probably going to get a new job soon, and Saturday when I thought about him leaving this job and us not talking every day anymore, I cried.

So you tell me – is that love? I’ve been feeling this way for months now, and I assumed it was just a crush, and I hoped it would go away, but it hasn’t, and Saturday, on a long drive with tons of time to think, it all of a sudden hit me that I might love him.

And the thing is, whatever it is, it sucks. It’s not a good thing. It’s complicated, and messy, and perhaps not reciprocated – and even if it is, we can’t do anything about it because my timing could not be worse – and I don’t really understand it in the first place, and I really shouldn’t even be thinking about him like that. But I am. And it’s killing me.

And I know myself: I won’t suffer long in silence. Sooner or later, I’m going to feel compelled to tell him, or ask him if he has any feelings for me, and whether he does or not, if he is the person I know him to be, he’s going to have to say no, and then everything will be all fucked up and I could lose the only real friend I have here.  And that I could not handle.

So here’s what I need from you guys: surefire ways to get over someone you know you can’t be with, whatever  the reason.

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9 thoughts on “This Year’s Love

  1. You as for interesting input.

    I’m sitting here thinking about the times I’ve been in that situation and what I did. I’m thinking that any input I give won’t match your situation though.

    So all I got for you is this; enjoy the colors.

  2. Been there. And I think, regardless of the situation and/or feelings you have, you have to do whatever the honerable thing is. If there’s a reason you can’t be together which includes perhaps a wife, then you have to swallow whatever feelings you have, be grateful for the wonderful, delicious feelings of love, hold onto those feelings, but move on, and move on silently.

    Other hurdles to a relationship that don’t include his having a wife might be gotten around, and in that case my advice would be to test the waters, knowing, however,that you may lose a really good friend.

  3. What Dawn said.

    The only thing that has ever gotten me through any kind of hurt was music – which shouldn’t surprise you. “No One’s Gonna Love You” by Band Of Horses is a particularly good one for me – (“No one’s gonna love you more than I do…”).

    You know, you can’t help what you feel. If it’s love, it’s love, and you can’t make yourself stop feeling it. Time may blunt the feeling and lessen its pull, but, Oy.

    Or as Incubus says, “Love hurts – but sometimes it’s a good hurt…”

  4. I’m sorry. I know the pain is real. But I think Dawn has it when she says swallow it.

    Or sit on your hands? Believe me I know how bad it stinks.

  5. Oh, you guys. Thanks. I would like to make it clear that there is no wife – if there were, we would not even be having this conversation because I wouldn’t have considered him an option from the get go.

  6. No wife…I’m glad. Then you have to decide if the friendship is worth risking over bringing up the attraction. As for getting through the hurt…there’s only one way I’ve found and that’s day by day, sometimes moment by moment…and staying busy…running is also a very good thing! On second thought a good drink with friends is another way! LOL!

  7. Happened to me. I was in silent, love pain all by myself.
    We spent a lot of time together because we were good friends.
    I didn’t say word. Then one night, after 2 years of being friends, he tried to kiss me!
    I told him no, we should keep our friendship how it is.
    And to this day, almost 20 years later he is still a good friend that I can call anytime. And my true love is sleeping in the next room.

  8. If there is no wife, I think you’re in a fantastic position. He’s getting a new job! You don’t have the complication of working together for much longer! You can keep in touch, and see each other outside of the work context, and figure out how you both feel about each other.

    If you’ve only interacted at work, or just after work, it’s hard to truly know someone. He may get another job, you get to know him outside of the working environment, and realize you aren’t as crazy about him as you thought. Or, you might start hanging out in this new context, and both realize that there is something real there.

    Either way, wait until he gets his new job, but before he leaves make sure you make plans to keep in touch. Then, when you eventually tell him how you feel, if it isn’t reciprocated at least you won’t have to see him every day. But it might be . . . you never know!

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