Author: Melanie

“He kissed me, and for one special moment, my own little life was as big as I could ever want it to be.”
— Aunt Glady, in Home for the Holidays

I’ve been thinking about a boy recently, because I’m going to see him again soon, and if I had my way, I’d just sit in his car and kiss him for hours. I won’t get my way when I see him, but the memory of the night I did sit in his car and kiss him for a few moments is one of my all-time favorites.

No one who knows him believes me when I tell them he’s the best kisser ever, because he’s a bit shy and soft-spoken and impossibly smart and kind of awkward (and impossibly tall, too, by the way, and we all know I dig that) . . . a little like

When I looked for you
I almost passed you by
You were so cool and calm
I thought my friends had lied
But I thought so much reserve
Must make you wild inside
— Tracy Chapman, Smoke and Ashes

But it’s true, and when I asked him, sitting in his car late one night, if I could kiss him, he said yes, and he closed his eyes and leaned in, and I closed my eyes and leaned in, and my fingers lightly touched his cheek . . . I can’t even describe to you how perfect it was, because there really aren’t any words. The best I can do is tell you that it was soft and tender and warm, and that if I had to survive the rest of my life on the memory of that kiss, I could.

I don’t know how we went from that moment in his car, which came at the end of a night of us pretty much talking only to each other despite being surrounded by 25 other people, to his telling me four days later that as good a time as he had that night, he didn’t want to date anyone while he was in school, to a month later when he started dating someone else, but we did. And the thing that bothered me most about it was not that it had turned out to just be me that wasn’t good enough to warrant a distraction from school work, but that the other girl got to be on the receiving end of those kisses and wondering if she knew how special he was.

So I’m interested: what was your best kiss? Was it with your spouse or significant other, or someone from your past? What made it so special? Share what you’re willing to, in the comments.

The dress fit perfectly, and I came out to model it for her. I stood there feeling very shy and self-conscious and pleased. Then I said, “Do you think it makes my hips look too big?” and she said to me slowly, “Annie? I really don’t think you have that kind of time.”
— from Bird by Bird, by Anne Lamott

A couple of weeks ago, I was reading the archives of one of the blogs I read on a regular basis, and I came across an entry that talked about something I’ve been thinking about for a while: I’ve lost a lot of weight, but it’s still not enough (health-wise or otherwise), and I wonder if people who meet me at this weight think, “Hmm, she’s cute enough, but she could stand to lose a few pounds.”

Don’t get me wrong, I know that sixty pounds is nothing to sneeze at, and when I look at pictures of myself before I started Weight Watchers, I’m shocked at the transformation. And I’m definitely proud of what I’ve accomplished so far. But I often wonder if, even when I get to my goal, I’ll always see myself through the same lens, the one that only sees how far I have to go, no matter how far I’ve come.

I do that to myself in every area of my life – it’s like I never quite measure up to the standard that I’ve set for myself – and that’s troubling to me. It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I have very high expectations of people, but for no one more than myself. Sometimes it makes it hard to live my life, because NO one can perform at such a high level constantly – it’s just not possible – and when I don’t measure up (I leave 30 minutes early from work, or take a little extra time at lunch, or overeat, or skip a workout), I have to make excuses for myself, like I’m trying to justify my actions so that they don’t seem so bad. In psychology, we call that cognitive dissonance (and by “we” I mean lapsed psychology majors).

The thing is, the things I do AREN’T so bad. They’re just things that happen to everyone from time to time. In fact, often, it’s probably only me who’s keeping score anyway, so they don’t really even matter. It’s not like there’s some cosmic scoreboard keeping track of whether I’m truly incapable of going to the office when I call in sick, or whether I go to the gym every day that I plan to, or whether my apartment is as orderly as I think it should be all the time.

I’m trying to get better, I’m trying to remind myself that I don’t have to be perfect at everything, and it’s working to some extent. Mondays, I usually I run and do arm weights, but last Monday I was exhausted after being out late at the game Sunday night. Walking back from the bus is when I make my decision about whether I’m going to work out or not, and last Monday, I was so tempted to throw in the towel. I knew, though, that I’d feel worse if I didn’t do anything at all, so I compromised with myself that all I had to do was run, which is 23 minutes, and then walk until 30 minutes, and then I could come home – no weights. And all of a sudden, a psychic weight was lifted. I was doing something good for me by giving myself permission not to do something else good for me.

So I’m trying to catch myself when the negative talk starts and replace it with something positive. I know it sounds so cheesy, but it does work. I’ve felt happier in the past two weeks (since the game) than I have for a while, and I think it’s partly because I’m consciously trying to be kinder to myself. And to bring it back around to the original topic, when I feel happier, and better about myself, I’m less likely to overeat, which for me is the key to losing weight (because I don’t eat terribly, for the most part, and I work out; I just eat too much), which helps me feel better about myself, which helps me be less negative toward myself, and on and on and on.

Funny how that works, isn’t’ it?

Don’t ever let me take you for granted
You’ve got your finger on the pulse of my soul
— Erasure, You Surround Me

Today is Aimee’s birthday – now she’s old like me! This is us at 17:

Can you tell we thought we were cute?

And this is us at 30 (before our most recent birthdays):

Still cute right?

Happy birthday, my girl! I love you and miss you!

We may never find our reason to shine
But here and now this is our time
And I may never find the meaning of life
But for this moment I am fine
— Rob Thomas, Streetcorner Symphony

I don’t think I’ve ever posted twice in one day, but I feel happier right now than I have in some time, and I wanted to share it with you:

• The weather, which started out cool, foggy, and drizzly, turned out to be warm, sunny, and gorgeous – it made the walk to the Metro and home from the bus a pleasure.

• The weather also vindicated my choice to wear my favorite dress today with bare legs, and I felt great.

• I realized The Office is back with a new episode tonight.

• I’m on day 2 of what I’ve decided is going to be a “no sweets” week (because I kind of need to detox), and it’s not giving me any trouble at all.

• I finished Jane Eyre on the bus home tonight, and I just loved it. And now, I get to start a new book!

• I was going to run last night, but when I got to the gym, all the treadmills were taken, so I did the elliptical instead and switched my running day til tonight – and when I got home from work today, the piece I’d ordered to hook my processor up to my iPod was here, and this time it was exactly the piece I needed, so I had music for my run again!

• In the last three minutes of my run, a song by my dad’s band came on, and it turns out to be the perfect beat to run to.

• Then, just as my cool down started, Streetcorner Symphony by Rob Thomas came on, and I love that song so much and after all the rest of the goodness of the day, I actually teared up with happiness.

• I’m sitting in my apartment with all the windows open, smelling Virginia in the spring, which is one of my favorite things in the world.

But here’s the news that made my day the most:

• J emailed me to say that he and his wife are moving back to the east coast, and they’ll only be about an hour from me! He’d told me when I was in Texas that it was a possibility, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. It’s a gift to have such an old friend be just up the road from me again.

I hope all of you had good days too!

When we see the prejudices and oddities of our friends we realize that we are that rare thing, a perfectly sane and normal person. But strange to say our friends do not agree with us.
— from Thoughts in a Dry Season, by Gerald Brenan

1. I hate for my email inbox to contain more than 4 items at any one time (though it often does)

2. I can’t stand banana-flavored anything, but I regularly eat bananas themselves

3. I make my bed before I get out of it

4. I always eat Starburst in a particular order – cherry, orange, lemon, strawberry (this also requires that I eat Starburst only in multiples of four)

5. I eat the edges off the Fig Newtons first

6. I can’t sleep with my feet outside the blanket, and even having socks on does not fool my body into believing my feet are covered

7. I must always walk on the right side of people (this is a remnant from when I could only hear in my left ear, but I still do it now even though my implant is on the right side)

8. My movies and CDs are all arranged alphabetically, but my books are not

Come on, spill: what silly things make people think you’re crazy?