Why I Should Never Have Children

“It happens every time – they all become blueberries!”
— Willy Wonka, in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Thursday, I had to be at work by 8, which is 45 minutes earlier than I usually get there. In order to do that, I had to take the 7 o’clock shuttle, which meant I had to get up at 6. That is one hour before my usual waking time, and it is not good.

Anyway, I got up at 6:10 and got out of the shower at 6:30. I needed to eat something, so I whipped up a blueberry smoothie in the kitchen and brought it into my bedroom so I could drink it while I was getting dressed. You see where this is going already, don’t you?

I was standing near my dresser putting lotion on my legs. In between, I was taking sips of the smoothie (from a straw, without picking the cup up off the dresser). I do not know how it happened, but I pumped more lotion out of the bottle and moved my hand towards my body, and the next thing I know, disaster struck:

Yeah, that’s blueberry smoothie all over my beige carpet (in my apartment, which I rent). Awesome. And of course, now it’s 6:45, and I need to be out of the house in about 12 minutes, and my legs are covered in smoothie. I had to hop back in the shower to rinse off, slap lotion back on, do the quickest hair and make-up ever, and get the hell out of house, which meant I had no time to even clean it up, not that I had any idea where to even begin.

And if you know me personally, you know that this causes me, like, actual physical pain to look at. My bedroom is so pretty, and now it’s covered in blueberry smoothie. And it’s not even centered in front of the dresser, so that I could just move the area rug from in front of the closet to cover it up! And this is why I should never have children. Because I am a control freak and they are going to hate me.

I’m exaggerating (a little), of course, and tomorrow I’m going to rent a steam cleaner from the grocery store, but I’m worried that this is not going to come out and then I’ll have to live here for another year (I just renewed my lease) seeing this every single day.  Boo.

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6 thoughts on “Why I Should Never Have Children

  1. My daughter has been giving me shit for the past week because I am so anal about (as she calls it) my “precious dining room table”. We just got a new dining room set, and I am so spazzed about anyone spilling anything on it, or setting anything hot on it, or getting it wet, or… breathing near it. And I just painted my living room and stairway and now I have the house where no one is allowed to touch the walls because I don’t want fingerprints on them.

    I’m not that spastic really. I just really freakin’ hate cleaning.

  2. Nah, they don’t hate me. Do they get annoyed with my rules about furniture and walls? Yeeeeeeeeeeah. A lot, actually. But I’ve tried to sit the oldest down to explain to her: it’s just easier for me to think when things around me are clean. I’m sure she thinks her mother is a total whackjob.

  3. Call Stanely Steemer and for probably less than $100, they’ll get that bad boy out.
    I cringe when I see stuff like that too! I actually sucked my breath in a bit and turned my head when I scrolled down to the picture!
    Good Luck, Melanie.

  4. Oh, I rented a carpet cleaner on Saturday, but that didn’t do all that much, actually, which was my fear. But then I remembered the OxyClean commercials I’ve seen, so I bought some of it at the grocery store – that stuff is magic! I’m the only one who could tell I ever spilled anything there now! Unbelievable.

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