Let’s Talk Timing

He suspected you could work yourself some good in calming your mind by thinking forward to what great pleasure it would be to hold your grandchild on your knee. But to believe such an event might actually happen required deep faith in right order. How would you go about getting it when it was in such short supply?
— from Cold Mountain, by Charles Frazier

I feel like my life, relationship-wise, is a series of missed opportunities. After J and I broke up, as I’ve told you, we danced around each other a handful of times over the years, but for one reason or another, our timing was never quite right. I lost P, as you know, because when I could have been with him, I was too afraid, and when I finally wasn’t afraid anymore, it was too late. The Good Kisser told me it was timing, too – he didn’t want to be distracted from doing well in school – even if that turned out not to be true. The Dentist? I worked up the courage to ask him out, but he told me he’s seeing someone.

And now, this guy (he needs a name, but I suck at making them up) . . . he was single for SEVEN years before he met her, and they were only together on and off for about 6 months before we met. I couldn’t have met him when he was “off” with her? The universe couldn’t have kept him single for 6 more months after SEVEN years? You’ve got to be kidding me.

This kind of thing, the what-if of it all, makes me crazy. I think of myself as the kind of person who believes that things generally happen the way they’re meant to, but sometimes I wonder how that’s possible. I mean, what are the odds that you are right for the person who is right for you, that you actually manage to meet that person at some point, that you’re both single, both interested in each other at the same time – I mean, it seems like an astronomical impossibility, doesn’t it?

I suppose, though, that you can’t see how it’s all going to work out when you’re IN it, like I am now. Right now I feel like I lost something really big (and I’m not even going to listen to someone who says, “But you didn’t even have anything to lose,” because I did), something that had potential to be a good thing for me, even if it was complicated and difficult in the beginning. And because I’m not good at meeting people, the loss of the possibility of something more with someone I feel so connected to is that much larger and harder to take. I’m not the girl that can just walk away thinking, “Well, if he doesn’t want to be with me, it’s his loss; there are other fish in the sea.” I can’t. I have to let myself feel what I feel; there’s no way over it but through it for me.

But years from now, when things are different for me (please, god, let them end up different for me), I’ll probably be able to look back at this time in my life and realize that he was just Part 5.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Let’s Talk Timing

  1. Aw, sweetie… I’m feeling hurt for you reading this because a) I know the feeling of the loss of something like this, something that felt as though it could have been so right and b) because you’re hurt and that sucks.

    I know what people have said to me, that pain is a reminder that we’re alive, that we can feel and that we canlove. If you never open yourself up to feeling towards people, you might never hurt, but you might miss out on a lot. I’m one that holds back a lot for fear of getting hurt.

    Who knows where and who knows when, but love will find you. **hugs**

  2. First let me just say, your writing is phenomenal because you really make a person also feel your pain. Second I am so sorry because pain is real.

    The only way to come out on the other side and be healthy is to go through it. I wish it wasn’t but it is.

  3. Lyrically, I know that’s true, about holding back so you don’t get hurt, but I don’t know how you get past that. Or maybe I do, and I just never learned how NOT to let myself feel towards people, which is why I seem to get hurt so easily. I don’t know.

    K – thanks for the talk last night.

Chime in!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s