“I’m scared that I’m so crazy.”
“Oh, we’re all crazy, honey. But most of us don’t have your style.”

— Elizabeth and Rae, in Crooked Little Heart, by Anne Lamott

So . . . I started counseling again tonight. Yeah, on a Friday night. Obviously, one of my issues is that I have no life. Anyway, I don’t mind telling you this because I’ve always said that I think everyone should be in therapy: Where else can you spend an hour (and $100+, but who’s counting?) talking about yourself to someone who has to listen to you and isn’t allowed to talk about themselves in return?

I don’t know if I dig my counselor, though. I kind of hit the counselor jackpot with my last two – the one I saw for two years after I first lost my hearing and the one I saw during my last year in law school – so I’m a bit spoiled. This one was a bit quick to hit the “you’re clearly depressed maybe you need medication” button, and that always makes me wary. (I don’t dispute that anti-depressants are helpful for some people, but I generally think people (and doctors) in the U.S. today are too quick to medicate problems instead of trying to reach the root of them.) Plus, she’s significantly older than I am, which makes it feel a little like I’m talking to my mom. My last counselor was actually younger than I am – she was a 4th-year doctoral student – and we completely clicked, which made counseling much easier than it might otherwise have been. Also, this having a full-time job thing really makes it difficult to find time to go once a week. Friday nights are the only time she has evening hours, which kind of bites: “No, sorry, I can’t have drinks after work tonight; gotta rush home to meet my shrink.” That’s totally cool.

So I’m debating going back. I know I need to – if not with her, then with someone else – and I have an appointment for two weeks from tonight, but I’m not sold. Mostly I feel like I’m cruising along ok, but then some little thing happens and it knocks me on my ass, then I get up and start cruising along ok again, but then something else happens . . . you get the idea. What I’m trying to say, I suppose, is that I seem ok on the outside, even to myself, but the inside is actually a giant mess, and I can’t keep trying to hide it or pretend it’s not like that. And I don’t think I can fix it alone.


6 thoughts on “Therapy

  1. Hang in there. Hold on.

    Good for you for going, and for recognizing that therapists are human beings and just because you don’t click with one, it’s not that you shouldn’t be seeing someone. Good luck in finding your way through this. There are lots of people pulling for you.

  2. I’m so glad to hear you started going. Although if you don’t click with this counselor don’t force it, there are other “fish in the sea.” And it’s a pain to go through the initial “getting to know your background” and then switch to someone else.

    Keep looking, you’ll find a good match.

  3. I agree, if you don’t click with this one, look for another. It won’t work if you don’t click. We went for 2.5 years to a guy that always sided with the spouse and fell asleep while I was talking about my mother’s sudden death. Have no idea why we stayed so long, just lazy I guess, but it really didn’t work for me. Keep looking!

  4. That’s part of the reason why I’m not in counseling (though clearly, i should be). My last counselor, who I saw 8 years ago when I was struggling with an eating disorder, was so earthy-birthy “What color are your feelings?” – I couldn’t freakin’ stand it. It’s really important to find one you click with. I just am too lazy to try to find that person. Good luck!

  5. I’m right there with ya.
    But let me say, that I NEVER thought I was one to need therapy.
    I’m the one that helps YOU get through things and makes everything better.
    But as I get older and things seem harder to let go of and get past, I know I need it too. And it makes me feel happy and better to know that I’m not alone either.
    Good Luck, Melaine. And Mo is right, you have a lot of people pulling for you 😉

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