Category: Uncategorized

The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized — and never knowing.
— David Viscott

Almost caught up!  Saturday’s prompt:

What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did/didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)

My 2010 answer is easy – curling.  Tried it.  Loved it.  Joined a club.  Still not great at it, but still love it.

In 2011, I’d like to try to finish a majority of the things on my list.  There are a lot that I haven’t even started that will take some time – making the journals, writing the letters, naming all the photos on my computer – not to mention the ones that involve traveling, so I’ve got to get moving on those.

Also — I’m going to go into more detail on this in a later post, probably outside of the Reverb prompts — 2011 is the end for me, weight-wise – it’s sink or swim, do or die, put up or shut up.  So there’s that.

(I’m skipping yesterday’s prompt – WAY too new-agey for me – but I will return tomorrow with two posts covering today and tomorrow’s prompts.)

I am learning all the time.  The tombstone will be my diploma.
— Eartha Kitt

Skipping last Thursday (didn’t spend a ton of time with friends this year, I guess, because nothing’s coming to mind).  Last Friday’s prompt:

What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?  (Author: Tara Weaver)

In a nutshell, I learned that I can’t be too proud or stubborn to ask for help when I’m sinking.  When my anxiety and depression came back full force after I stopped taking my anti-depressants this summer, I resisted going back for help as long as I could because part of me thought it meant I was weak and if I just tried *harder* I could get better on my own.  I still fight that idea every day, but I’m slowly learning to accept it.

A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen.
— Edward de Bono

Last Wednesday’s prompt:

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. (Author: Patti Digh)

Ok, go:

Disney on Ice with the Princess and the Conductor in February.  Taking the Metro and seeing how pleased the Princess was to have her own metro card.  Buying them sno-cones bigger than their heads.  Heart-shaped pancakes for breakfast the next day (Valentine’s Day).

Meeting baby Lily for the first time.

Watching the wonder of the Princess and the Conductor at the Aquarium, where everything seemed new to me again seeing it through their eyes.

Every bit of our trip by train to the west coast, and all of Seattle, the drive down the coast, through wine country and into San Francisco.  Especially: riding on the outside of the cable car in San Fran, the unbelievable colors of the flowers in the market in Seattle, the view of Seattle from the Space Needle at sunset, the giant redwood trees by the glow of our headlights, Mount Saint Helens, braving the driving cold rain on the Oregon coast to stick my feet in the Pacific and take pictures of Haystack Rock, the changing colors of the trees in the Sonoma Valley, champagne on the train, seeing the country roll by, bigger and greener and wider than I ever imagined.

That’s five minutes, and it doesn’t even cover half the stuff I’d want to remember about this year.  I guess that’s a good thing.

There is no such thing as gratitude unexpressed.  If it is unexpressed, it is plain, old-fashioned ingratitude.
— Robert Brault

So, so busy.  Trying to catch up.  I’m skipping last Sunday’s and Monday’s prompts because they are, respectively, too new-agey and too repetitive for me (you can see all the prompts here to follow along). Last Tuesday’s prompt:

What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? (Author: Victoria Klein)

Well, I don’t know if I’ve come to appreciate it so much as remember how good I had it, but the thing that first comes to mind (which is kind of the kind of unwritten “rule” of these prompts for me so far – writing about the first thing that occurs to me) is being in shape.  I am decidedly *not* in shape.  I used to be, and not that long ago.  A little more than two years ago, I was in probably the best shape of my life.  I had lost 74 pounds, I worked out regularly, I was training for a 5k, which I subsequently completed.  I looked like this:

Now, I look like this:

Every day when I put on clothes that get tighter and tighter, I feel so angry at myself that I let what I was physically slip away, bit by bit, a pound here, two pounds there, over the course of my relationship with David.  Every day I go to the gym and get my ass kicked by a routine that would have seemed, if not easy, then at least not exhausting, two years ago, I feel angry at myself for letting this happen.  62 pounds.  It gets worse almost every week.  I feel helpless and out of control.

I miss being in shape.  I miss not getting winded walking up two flights of stairs.  I miss not getting hot so easily, especially in the winter.  I miss the way my body looked and felt and moved.  And I feel like it will be nearly impossible to get back to that place.

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.
— Dale Carnegie

Still catching up.  Saturday’s prompt takes a lot of thought:

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? (Author: Sam Davidson)

Eleven things?  That is a ton of things. And they’re supposed to be things I don’t need in 2011? Seems kind of pessimistic, doesn’t it? Why aren’t we thinking about 11 things our lives do need in 2011?  But I’m game – what the hell:

1. 25 pounds.  More really, at least twice that, but I’m a realistic girl.  And also lazy.

2. Anxiety.  I worry about everything, especially my relationship, which is so silly.  We’re solid and stable and committed, yet my mind always drifts to the “what-ifs.”  I definitely need to get back to at least monthly sessions with my counselor to work on this.

3. Not getting enough sleep.  I intermittently institute a firm 11:30 lights out policy on weeknights, but after a few days, or even a week, something happens and I get off schedule.  Then I’m exhausted at work and don’t feel like making good choices about eating or exercising, which turns into a vicious cycle.  I need to keep trying to stick to this.

4. Caffeine.  I know I’m not supposed to have it (doctor’s orders), but lately, I’ve been so careless with it, ordering iced tea or diet soda when I don’t feel like just having water, and I’m paying for it.  I’ve missed several days of work in the past several months due to migraines that are caused by caffeine (and the subsequent withdrawal when I try to get back on track).  I cannot take liberties with my body that way.  Just say no.

5. Negative self-talk.  A lot of people are putting this on their lists, so it appears to be a very common problem.  It’s no secret that I can be very hard on myself, and while I think it’s great to have high expectations, the language I use in my head when I don’t succeed or when something doesn’t turn out right, or when I just don’t do something I should is really damaging.  I would never let someone get away with talking to one of my friends the way I talk to myself, so why do I continue to berate myself this way?  I think the first step is to become aware of it when it’s happening – it’s become such second nature to me that I often don’t even notice.  Once I am aware of it, I need to reassess what’s going on and try to find a kinder way to talk to myself.  This one is big.

6. Stuff.  We have a lot of “stuff” that we just don’t use.  Some of it is things I’m holding onto for when we have a house and can entertain more (I have lots of baking dishes and serving pieces and chip dishes and dip bowls and things that I just don’t use now because we don’t have a lot of space to have people over).  But a lot of it is stuff I just hold on to because I think I “might” need it “someday.”  Someday hasn’t arrived in the years and years I’ve been hoarding this stuff, so why am I keeping it?  Someone else would surely love to stumble upon it at Goodwill for a dollar, right?

7. Hate-following.  There are a couple of blogs on my Reader that make me roll my eyes regularly and get all judgey.  And I always say, “that’s it, I’m done.”  But it’s like train wreck – I can’t stop looking to see what ridiculous thing or self-important drivel will come next.  That doesn’t make me feel good about myself.  That’s it.  I’m done.  I’m deleting them from my Reader as soon as I finish this post.

8. Over-analysis.  This is one of my biggest problems.  I turn things over and over and over in my head, until something that may have started off small and inconsequential is so big in my mind that it ruins my day or causes doubt about something I have no business doubting.  I don’t know how to stop doing this.  Yet another thing to add to the growing list for my counselor.

9. So many sweets.  When it comes to weight loss (well, weight gain, I guess, is more accurate), sweets are my biggest downfall.  I’ve already started (with David’s agreement and encouragement (“When was the last time I bought junk food at the grocery store?”)) cutting back on the “treats” I buy at the store so that I don’t have them in the house.  This is not the same thing as declaring “No more sweets ever,” it’s just a way of making myself make more deliberate choices about what I put in my mouth instead of reaching for something sweet because it’s easy and it’s there.  I need to keep this up.

10. Career angst.  I may be having a mid-life crisis early, but I’m not sure I want to be a lawyer anymore.  I don’t know what to do about that, really, because what else would I be?  It might just be *this* job, or it might be *any* job – we did discuss several times recently about my depression, didn’t we?  Add it to the list.

11. I cannot think of one single thing more, so I’m using #11 on something I do want more of in 2011 – friendship.  I want to take more time with old friends and try to make new friends as well.  The latter will take me out of my comfort zone, so I expect there will be some resistance and procrastination in trying to make this happen, but I really do want to put this out there so I can hold myself accountable.

What about you guys?  Anything you don’t need in your life in 2011?