She didn’t care that she wasn’t off with some man from Peoria who wore suits and sold hairbrushes door-to-door.  She had the bug that afflicts every part of you, especially your reason.  It makes you dream of babies crying out for you in the night.
— from The Book of Ruth, by Jane Hamilton

Lately, I’ve had babies on the brain.  Like, dreaming about them practically every night, noticing pregnant women everywhere I go, reading blogs by women who are pregnant or who write about their children.  It’s bizarre.

Being a mother is the one thing I’ve always known, for sure, I wanted to be.  I watched my friends and my brother get married and have children, and I wondered when it might happen for me, but I never really felt the “clock ticking,” as it were, until recently.  I guess that’s what this is.

I long to be pregnant.  And longing is precisely the right word to describe the feeling, I think.  It’s nearly a physical yearning, and it floors me every time it hits.  I touch my stomach and imagine what I’d look like 8 months pregnant, how it would feel to have a  tiny human being growing inside there, how completely my life would change the second I heard that first cry.

But I worry, too.  I worry about what kind of mother I’ll be, whether I’ll mellow out between now and the time my kid is a juice-spilling, sticky tornado of energy, whether I’ll be able to let go of my control-freak tendencies and raise healthy, well-adjusted kids, whether they’ll be out-of-control teens, and if they’ll hate me.

I long to be pregnant, but the idea of actually caring for a tiny person who needs all of me — even with the man I love beside me — seems unbearable, undoable, impossible.  And that makes me wonder if I’ll ever really be ready, and the idea that I might never be scares me.

Of course, as usual, I’m WAY ahead of myself, so I’ll just run and double check that I took my birth control pill this morning and move on!


6 thoughts on “Bump

  1. Yep, what Kari said. You will be an amazing mother. Look at all the practice you’ve had (and loved) with your niece and nephew! When you guys are ready you’ll be there totally. A little fear doesn’t hurt, keeps your feet on the ground, makes you not expect everything to be perfect. But you will be amazing, and I can’t wait to read all about it.

  2. You know you will be a great mom but I’m sure it’s nice to hear from everyone 🙂 You’ve mellowed out a lot over the years and once you have a child there really is no choice. You will sit at a restaurant and laugh at your 10 month old screaming and laughing at you just because they think you are funny and you won’t worry about the nasty looks you are getting from the other people in the restaurant. Your house will be messy for a few years until the kids get old enough to clean it—hey, that’s why we have them, right? ;-P And you will never, EVER be ready for everything but you just take things as they come and smile!!!

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