Pity, Party of 1

None pities him that is in the snare who, warned before, would not beware.
— Robert Herrick

I’ve been sitting here every day this week, staring at my site, wondering what there is to say. I feel empty, like there’s nothing to share. There are things I could tell you, of course, but even I’m tired of the ongoing saga of Pub Crawl Boy. I know now that it isn’t me, and he asked if I still want to talk to him – I do, but I sure wish he’d act like he still wants to talk to me.

I don’t think I’m cut out for dating. I’m not confident enough not to be hurt by every jackass who looks my way and says nice things. But what’s the alternative? I’m not ready to accept that I might have to live the rest of my life alone and that it would be ok, as someone recently suggested to me (not that she thinks I might really end up alone, only that I should learn to be ok with the possibility, just in case). The picture I have in my head of my life includes a husband and children and PTA meetings and softball games and summer vacations with my brother’s family and watching my kids and Aimee’s kids grow up as friends. And I feel in a hurry to get there, for a lot of different reasons.

When I lost my hearing, my life literally got put on hold for nearly three years while I tried to figure out what had happened and come to terms with it. If it hadn’t happened, I really feel like I’d already be where I want to be personally, and so it’s hard not to feel cheated a little bit, and it’s hard not to feel like I have to play catch-up. The other thing that happened when I lost my hearing is that I lost a lot of my sense of self and my confidence, which I’m only just now starting to get back, and that makes it harder now to put myself out there to try and get what I want. I feel stuck – too afraid on the one hand and too desperate on the other. Most days I have no idea what I’m doing. It’s amazing to me that I even bother to get out of bed sometimes.

Whatever. I suppose I’m just having a little pity party for myself while I wait for PCB to pop back up out of the woodwork and say the magic words to make me think THIS is really going to be the week. Again. I’m hopeless.

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6 thoughts on “Pity, Party of 1

  1. Awwwwww. Hugs. You know, I’ve said it before (to people who give me the hairy eyeball for even daring to think it) but if I ever my marriage falls apart and I am single again, I will stay single. The thought of the dating world, and getting hurt and putting myself out there? Doesn’t appeal to me. I’m more than a little too sensitive.

    Sorry you’re having a hard time.

  2. Maybe it’s silly to even suggest, but if you are interested in meeting someone like-minded, there are reputable online match-making sites that you might consider. Happening on “Mr. Right” at work or at a pub just rarely (if ever) happens.

    I have friends and family that were in similar positions; interested, looking, but weary of the typical dating scene. One couple met by way of an organization where they both volunteered their time. I met W. by way of a blind date (18 years ago).

    There is also that annoying saying, “when you stop looking you will find what you seek.”

    Hang in there Harmonious one. Life is what happens moment by moment, not in the future.

  3. I know we don’t each other but I wish you could see you how I see you.
    You are not going to be alone forever and/or a crazy cat lady or anything remotely like that.
    You will get what you are looking for. It sucks but you have got to hang in.
    I went through it all too. Trust me.
    Have your pity party as long as you need or like to.
    Virtual hug, girl 🙂

  4. Ahhh this sounds familiar. I have to say I dated a lot of guys from different volunteer organizations I belonged to over the years, but I married someone I met on a blind date. So there you go. But before I got married I truly felt that I would likely end up living alone forever. And eventually I made peace with that, just about the time I met my future husband.

    I don’t think anyone can really give you advice, just support. What you’re going through is unique to you, as it is unique to everyone. But everyone has insecurities and wonders about the future.

    My only advice is: Don’t waste today worrying about what might happen tomorrow. Go join some groups that are doing stuff you care about, you’ll find some neat people there, and you’ll be doing good all at the same time.

  5. Dawn is absolutely right. You are so amazing and strong and wonderful.

    All of these things you want will happen for you, but you cannot force them.

    Why the big hurry?

  6. Because I know what a hard worker and competitor you are I understand your drive to want everything to start falling into place in your life. You are doing the work, where are the rewards?

    They will come. Don’t lose hope, there is always hope. But sometimes a pity party doesn’t hurt a thing 🙂

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