Hear Me in the Harmony

Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
— Mark Twain

Monday’s prompt:

What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) (Author: Jake Nickell)

This is going to be short and vague.  Yes, there is something I avoided doing this year (and last year, and a lot of years before that) because dealing with it scares the crap out of me.  I think I’m going to have to deal with it in 2011, in some kind of way.  It will be very private and personal, and I hope it brings me relief.

The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized — and never knowing.
— David Viscott

Almost caught up!  Saturday’s prompt:

What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did/didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)

My 2010 answer is easy – curling.  Tried it.  Loved it.  Joined a club.  Still not great at it, but still love it.

In 2011, I’d like to try to finish a majority of the things on my list.  There are a lot that I haven’t even started that will take some time – making the journals, writing the letters, naming all the photos on my computer – not to mention the ones that involve traveling, so I’ve got to get moving on those.

Also — I’m going to go into more detail on this in a later post, probably outside of the Reverb prompts — 2011 is the end for me, weight-wise – it’s sink or swim, do or die, put up or shut up.  So there’s that.

(I’m skipping yesterday’s prompt – WAY too new-agey for me – but I will return tomorrow with two posts covering today and tomorrow’s prompts.)

I am learning all the time.  The tombstone will be my diploma.
— Eartha Kitt

Skipping last Thursday (didn’t spend a ton of time with friends this year, I guess, because nothing’s coming to mind).  Last Friday’s prompt:

What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?  (Author: Tara Weaver)

In a nutshell, I learned that I can’t be too proud or stubborn to ask for help when I’m sinking.  When my anxiety and depression came back full force after I stopped taking my anti-depressants this summer, I resisted going back for help as long as I could because part of me thought it meant I was weak and if I just tried *harder* I could get better on my own.  I still fight that idea every day, but I’m slowly learning to accept it.

A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen.
— Edward de Bono

Last Wednesday’s prompt:

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. (Author: Patti Digh)

Ok, go:

Disney on Ice with the Princess and the Conductor in February.  Taking the Metro and seeing how pleased the Princess was to have her own metro card.  Buying them sno-cones bigger than their heads.  Heart-shaped pancakes for breakfast the next day (Valentine’s Day).

Meeting baby Lily for the first time.

Watching the wonder of the Princess and the Conductor at the Aquarium, where everything seemed new to me again seeing it through their eyes.

Every bit of our trip by train to the west coast, and all of Seattle, the drive down the coast, through wine country and into San Francisco.  Especially: riding on the outside of the cable car in San Fran, the unbelievable colors of the flowers in the market in Seattle, the view of Seattle from the Space Needle at sunset, the giant redwood trees by the glow of our headlights, Mount Saint Helens, braving the driving cold rain on the Oregon coast to stick my feet in the Pacific and take pictures of Haystack Rock, the changing colors of the trees in the Sonoma Valley, champagne on the train, seeing the country roll by, bigger and greener and wider than I ever imagined.

That’s five minutes, and it doesn’t even cover half the stuff I’d want to remember about this year.  I guess that’s a good thing.

There is no such thing as gratitude unexpressed.  If it is unexpressed, it is plain, old-fashioned ingratitude.
— Robert Brault

So, so busy.  Trying to catch up.  I’m skipping last Sunday’s and Monday’s prompts because they are, respectively, too new-agey and too repetitive for me (you can see all the prompts here to follow along). Last Tuesday’s prompt:

What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? (Author: Victoria Klein)

Well, I don’t know if I’ve come to appreciate it so much as remember how good I had it, but the thing that first comes to mind (which is kind of the kind of unwritten “rule” of these prompts for me so far – writing about the first thing that occurs to me) is being in shape.  I am decidedly *not* in shape.  I used to be, and not that long ago.  A little more than two years ago, I was in probably the best shape of my life.  I had lost 74 pounds, I worked out regularly, I was training for a 5k, which I subsequently completed.  I looked like this:

Now, I look like this:

Every day when I put on clothes that get tighter and tighter, I feel so angry at myself that I let what I was physically slip away, bit by bit, a pound here, two pounds there, over the course of my relationship with David.  Every day I go to the gym and get my ass kicked by a routine that would have seemed, if not easy, then at least not exhausting, two years ago, I feel angry at myself for letting this happen.  62 pounds.  It gets worse almost every week.  I feel helpless and out of control.

I miss being in shape.  I miss not getting winded walking up two flights of stairs.  I miss not getting hot so easily, especially in the winter.  I miss the way my body looked and felt and moved.  And I feel like it will be nearly impossible to get back to that place.